Here are two poems, one is the original, one is a reformulated version. I won't say which is which as it doesn't really matter, right? Any feedback you give would be much appreciated.
First Meeting
Two proud mothers,
one son alive,
sitting, looking at memories not his own,
memories of his father.
The other son has passed,
his life kept fresh by conversations
over old photos and pieces of paper
glued into a scrapbook.
He looks like his father.
Both mothers smile.
First Meeting
These are proud mothers
One son looks intently
All eyes on the scrapbook open,
balancing on their knees.
The scrapbook holds memories,
photos and papers
that tell the story of the son
not alive
missing from the picture.
New relationships discovered
So much to absorb
The face so familiar
His father would be so proud
One son devours the images
Snapshots of a father he never knew
Never will meet
Wants to understand.
6 comments:
Liz,
The first poem made me cry! I really liked it.
there are definitely a lines in the second poem that I like. One example is "the story of the son/not alive/missing from the picture."
Laura Burdette
Thank you, Laura! That means a lot to me coming from you. I'd love to hear your ideas more in class tomorrow.
Liz
Dear Liz:
My heart feels full, again. Both versions are moving, and I'm so glad Hayley helped you to awaken your dead poet! I like the image of devouring in the second poem. In the first, it popped into my head that the line "The other son has passed" might be "the missing son," modifying "his father." Go where your heart leads you with your revision -- your heart is true.
I love the first one. Dramatically.
Liz,
The first one is so powerful. good job!
Julie
I liked the second one too, but I really liked the line from the first one about the pieces of paper glued in the scrapbook.
Thank you for sharing.
Keri
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