This writing initiation tool asked us to describe a situation in life that we are currently trying to metabolize. I had just returned from a weekend in Kansas City with my mom, my sister, an aunt, and female cousins. After returning home, I really needed to deal with some of the emotions I was feeling about my mom – things I was ready to name for the first time. It was good to put some of these things on paper.
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The first thing that came to my mind was this turbulence I’ve felt lately with Mom. I’m still trying to digest everything that happened this weekend. Mom did so many little things that embarrassed me, that made me feel sorry for her. From holding her purse a little too tightly in the city to laughing a little too loudly at Tom’s jokes, she made me uncomfortable. I love her; I do. But I’m constantly wondering if she’s happy. Really she seems to only ACT happy when she’s with Dad. She just seemed like a fish out of water all weekend, like she needed an anchor. It’s so evident that Dad is that anchor; he’s the one who grounds her, gives her stability, makes her act “normal.” Then I think, “Please, God, don’t take Dad first.” And then I’m uncomfortable for even having these thoughts.
Really, who am I to judge if she’s happy? I guess my idea of happiness (joy?) might be different from my mom’s. She’s happy with Dad, gardening, camping, biking, quilting. But then why is she always complaining and nagging about her job, about grandma, about her siblings, about problems at church? At the root of all of these questions is the deep, dark, unspeakable fear that I will be like her. There, I’ve said it. That I will be so dependent on my husband, so unhappy at my job, that I will constantly be negative, biting. That I will embarrass my children by making critical comments in front of everyone and then trying too hard to fit in.
I guess I never realized until this weekend just how complicated, tentative, delicate this mother/daughter relationship is. This is the first time I’ve had to deal with tangible feelings of pity and embarrassment, annoyance and sorrow. We have a family cycle of depression, a family legacy from Grandma Bernie. (She also left us big thighs and hips. Thanks, Grandma.) I’m seeing some of these traits manifest themselves in Mom lately, and to be completely honest, it scares me to death. How can I break the cycle for myself, for my potential future daughters? I’m sure it will require lots of prayer and patience.
3 comments:
Kim, I apologize if anything I said made you uncomfortable sharing what you did. Actually I can very much relate with what you said here. I share a house with my 84 year old mother, and often I find myself in a caretaker position. I pray "God, don't take me first." I also see traits in my mom and ask myself how to avoid adapting those :) However, I love her very much and dread the day she won't be with me.
As I said in my blog, my reactions to Cameron are based more on her diction and style reminding me of certain people from my life than on an objective analysis of her work. That is my personal prejudice and I gladly own it.
Thanks for your comment on my post. Joe
Your posting really made me think about my feelings about my own mother. I find that within our relationship there has been a strange transition as I have become an adult, wife, and mother. There is a point I think when you stop seeing your parents as just your parents. You start to see them as people that are dealing with the same type of issues you are. I think it is really interesting and strange to think of my mother as a wife and a woman. It brings up a lot of questions I don't think I could ever ask.
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